Episode 1: You Know What You Did

Previously on The Hills, Lauren Conrad moved from Laguna Beach to Los Angeles, juggled classes at the Fashion Institute of Design and Merchandising with an internship at Teen Vogue, and stumbled through a series of personal crises that ended with her giving the boot to best friends Heidi Montag and Jen Bunney, as well as controlling boyfriend Jason Wahler.

As the third season begins, we learn that former co-intern Whitney Port is now Lauren’s boss, Audrina Patridge is the roommate from heaven, and Heidi’s boyfriend Spencer Pratt is a complete and utter jerk. No, wait, we already knew that last one. (Incidentally, has a surname ever suited a person so well?)

Teen Vogue offices. Whitney, looking sharp in a little black dress, enthusiastically greets Lauren as she enters the office and quickly gets down to asking leading questions about her summer. Lauren explains that nasty rumours have been floating around L.A. and the Internet and have even reached her parents in Laguna. “What were the rumours?” Whitney asks.

“They basically were saying that, like, me and Jason made, like, inappropriate videotapes,” an embarrassed Lauren explains. Whitney wisely refrains from asking whether or not the rumors are true–perhaps she simply assumes that someone who can’t even say the words “sex tape” out loud probably didn’t make one.

Heidi and Spencer’s apartment. The lovely couple are planning a housewarming party; Heidi explains that she’s sending invitations to Lauren, Audrina and Whitney, and Spencer rattles of a list of invitees that sounds like a mafia convention and gets me all hopeful that Gino or Frankie will break his legs one of these days.

Epic Records. After Heidi shows up at Audrina’s desk to deliver the invites, Audrina’s co-worker Chiara stands in for the viewing public as Audrina exposits that Heidi hasn’t talked to Lauren once all summer and has been trash-talking her behind her back, and that everyone assumes Spencer and Heidi started the sex tape rumour. Needless to say, the girls won’t be attending Heidi’s party.

And they’re missing a rocking time, let me tell you. The party features a jelly aquarium, lasagna and margaritas, and Jen Bunney! Heidi latches on to her only remaining friend, gushing that she’s glad Jen’s part of her new life. Jen nods and smiles, clearly prepared to agree with anything Heidi says in order to keep herself on TV.

The following night is Frankie’s birthday party at Les Deux, and Spencer, Heidi, Lauren and Audrina are all in attendance. Heidi has written Lauren a letter, which she hand-delivers in the middle of the noisy club. Lauren’s reaction seems more suited to a flaming bag of dog poo than the (actually rather sweet) letter; she shoots dagger eyes Heidi’s way and retreats to the bathroom. Spencer, quick to seize any opportunity to sow discord between the former friends, encourages Heidi to “roll up on” Lauren and confront her. This, needless to say, does not end well. Lauren informs Heidi that she’s pathetic, brainwashed, sick, and no longer her friend. “What did I do!?” Heidi cries, and Lauren yells, repeatedly, “You know what you did!” Once again, she can’t manage to spit out the term “sex tape,” but accuses Heidi and Spencer of starting a “sick little rumour” about her. “I didn’t start any rumours about you,” Heidi claims, but Lauren isn’t buying it.

Typical drama queens, Lauren and Heidi are still discussing the incident with their respective co-workers the following morning. They both come to the conclusion that they’re better off without each other now that they’ve changed so much; Lauren proclaims that it’s as if one of her friends has died. Aw, I love it when episodes end on such an upbeat note!

The second episode recap starts here.


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